Best Eric Cartman Quotes
South Park is great largely on account of one character: Eric Cartmen. Which of Cartmen's vile, racist, or outrageous statements are the funniest?
"Respect My Authority!" - Eric Cartman
"You seem a little irritable, Kyle. You got some sand in your vagina?" - Eric Cartman
Kyle: "Wow! That's a lot of seamen, Cartman."
Cartman: "Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley."
Stan: "That's cool."
Cartman: "Yeah, and the sweet thing is, the stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck on a hose."
Cartman: "You guys I got it! It's seriously! It's the greatest picture ever, oh my God!!"
Stan: "What did you do to Butters this time?"
Cartman: "It was genius! I waited till he was totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down his pants and I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth!HAHAHAHA!!!"
Cartman: "I know, I know check it out look! I got his whole wiener in my mouth see! (laughs) Man I got him good!"
Stan: "Dude how is putting Butters' wiener in your mouth getting him!?"
Cartman: "Because that makes Butters gay now!"
Kyle: "No dude, that makes you gay!"
Cartman: (surprised) "Uh-what?"
Kyle: "You put a guy's wiener in your mouth that makes you gay stupid!"
(Cartman looks at the picture for a short while)
"It's an Afghanistan goat, so it can't stay here, or else it'll choke on the sweet air of freedom." - Eric Cartman
Cartman: "Okay, Token, give me a sweet bass line."
Token: "I don't know how to play the bass."
Cartman: "Token, how many times do we have to go over this? You're black. You can play the bass."
Token: "I'm really tired of your racist views on this."
Cartman: "Well then, get tired of them after you give me a bass line!"
(Token plays the bass expertly)
Token: "Oh, Goddammit."
"Screw you guys, I'm goin' home!" - Eric Cartman
"Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job or Kenny's dad would be a millionaire!" - Eric Cartman
"Well God, I guess you got me again, didn't you? Yeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard." - Eric Cartman
"You so much as TOUCH kitty's ass, and I'll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants." - Eric Cartman